SKYR

Deep in the hellish depths of a "gourmet" supermarket, aloft above the fires on a refrigerated shelf, floats the spoonfood of the Norse gods. Skyr. Skwhat? Yes, skyr (skeer). Not to be confused with a skewer, the antithesis of spoon, skyr is a creamy cheese (arguably yogurt) of scandanavian origin that comes in a variety of all-natural fruity flavors. It also happens to be fat-free, very low in sugar, and super high in protein. Which is the exact opposite of the crappy store brand yogurt you're probably defacing a spoon with at this very moment.

So why isn't skyr just a yuppy version of yogurt? For one, it was invented by Vikings. Everybody knows that anything ever touched by a Viking causes violent twitching and sudden death to everything that is young, urban, or professional. Similarly, skyr is produced in extremely limited quantities, mostly in Iceland.

So then, how do you know that I'm not making all this spoonrific stuff up about the most-awesomely named Nordic spoonmat (spoonfood in Icelandic)? Well, this very afternoon, inspired by the conquests of Eric and Asvuld, two companions and I set out on a spoonquest of our own. The brand of Skyr we sampled, Siggi's, is dedicated to raping and pillaging all that is artificial, sugary, and non-spoonable. Hellz yea (Nordic spelling). Siggi's also comes in gaman bragðtegundir (Icelandic for SPOONTASTIC flavors), like COLD STEEL SPOON OF DEATH, and THOR's SPOON. And also grapefruit, acai, and vanilla. My comrades sampled passionfruit and pomegranate (one awesome flavor of yuppy doom), as well as blueberry, whilst I tried Orange and Ginger (another single flavor of minivan death).


Here, spoons in hand, we set off on our quest for blood, gold, and SKYR!




TO DRAMATIC MUSIC: IN SPOONCLUSION The first spoonful of skyr to enter my mouth was interesting. The second was Valhalla. And it just got more spoontastic from there. Skyr is a boatfull of smelly Norsemen better than it sounds (a questionable cheese/yogurt with a long history of kicking butt). Plus, when it comes in flavors that actually taste good (without any darn chemicals and just pure pillage), why the spoon would you not try it?



!hámark spoonage eilífu!

Note: This spoonmat is approved by Jason Dougherty, World Minister of Awesome.

PANCAKES

Preamble: This post does not in any way indicate that this blog has any bias for or against breakfast foods. Pancakes are an anytime food. As are Puffins. And Refried beans. And soy pudding(s).

Pancakes: The anytime food. Before the deluge of digital tomatoes commences, I should explain that this blog was conceived in a dark dank dormitory at an early hour of the morning whilst consuming a serving of pancakes. With A SPOON. Thus, pancakes are responsible for everything we know and love that is life, liberty, and spoonable. Just think about it, anywhere you can get pancakes you can get a heady dose of America and also a spoon. Your kitchen for example. Or the stronghold of American pancakedom: IHOP.

Now, the weak at heart (and Un-American) might ask, "Well, can't pancakes be eaten with a fork and a knife?". To this dirty red I would respond as follows: Just try eating pancakes with a spoon. How does it make you feel? Alive? Free? Happy? Coincidentally, guess which three principles our great nation was founded upon. And now you don't even have to pursue that happiness. It's right there on your plate. (And spoon). To break it down mathematically for all of the deaf people out there:

Pancakes + Spoon = America - Pursuit

Or

Pursuit + Spoon + Pancakes = America



IN SPOONCLUSION: Since the pursuit of pancakes with a spoon is America, and America is ultimate. Pancakes are an ultimate SPOONFOOD! (Outro to "American, F**k Yea")

MAXIMUM SPOONAGE FOREVER (Death to Crepes!)

PEANUT BUTTER PUFFINS

Fratercula Arctica, otherwise known as the Atlantic Puffin. This flightless bird is cute, cuddly, and can swim like the dickens. Transform it into a spoonlicious peanut-buttery crunchtastic cereal and what do you get? Just about as close to enlightenment as possible without fasting until your spine is visible through your stomach (No offense to Buddha, but he didn't believe in spoons).

PB Puffs, as this cereal is commonly referred to in the street trade, are utterly addictive. And for good reason! Each spoonful contains the exact desireable amount of peanut butter, crunch, and aquatic fowl. Rumour has it that the CIA once dropped cases of Peanut Butter Puffins into Cuba in an attempt to destabilize the regime. Unfortunately for democracy, the secret police intercepted each case and delivered it to Castro's residence. Little did they know how truly nutritious and delicious Puffins could be....

Regime change aside, Puffins also come in other flavors.... like air and dirt. But hey, not everyone can be so perfect. Stick with peanut butter flavor and you will be happy, successful, and popular (in bed... hehe). Also, some portion of the profits made by Puffins, Inc. goes toward the effort to save puffin habitat. So you don't have to feel guilty when you toss the packaging back into the salty depths from whence it came.

IN SPOONCLUSION Your lucky numbers are: 2,5, and 69.


MAXIMUM SPOONAGE FOREVER!

REFRIED BEANS

Much like chocolate soy pudding, the nourishment pictured above looks like feces, tastes like happy, and is UTTERLY SPOONABLE. Contrary to popular belief (spoonenfreude if you will), refried beans are actually fried once if at all.

The native cuchillador (spoon-wielder) may refer to this common burrito, enchillada, or tortilla filling as "frijolles refritos"; However, this still sheds no light on why we call these deliciously prepared legumes "refried". Other than that we do. O well...

IN SPOONCLUSION: While refried beans may be the worst-named and worst-looking canned food in history (second to only spam....), they are one of the best tasting. As well as the most SPOONTASTIC. Despite the nasty name, they are also pretty darn nutritious (actually low in fat). And can be spooned into or onto just about anything...


MAXIMUM SPOONAGE FOREVER!







SPOONLER ALERT! (While "frijolles refritos" was mistranslated into "refried beans", it can be more accurately translated as "well-fried beans" (think well as in well-done steak not well-water). Courtesy of the interwebs.

SOY PUDDING

Q: What jiggles, wiggles, is somewhat creamy, and CAN BE EATEN WITH A SPOON?

A: Soy Pudding!

"Soy WHAT?!" You exclaim. Yes, you read me. S-o-y p-u-d-d-i-n-g. After you swallow the preliminary modicum of vomitinthemouth, its actually not that bad. And by not that bad I mean that it kind of grows on you with each successive wiggly spoonful.

Soy puddin' comes in a variety of fun-filled flavors such as vanilla (tofu), chocolate (what comes out after you eat tofu), and banana (yum). It's also dairy-free and gluten-free for all of the glutards and lactards out there.

In spoonclusion: If you take it at pudding skin value for what it is (soy milk made into pudding), its not half bad. But its also not real pudding. But it wont kill you to try it. And it has a panda on the lid.


MAXIMUM SPOONAGE FOREVER!