PRUNES

The "dried plum", a staple of nursing homes and bane of those with functioning digestive tracts worldwide. Humorously enough, Sunsweet Growers, producer of 66.6667% of the world's commercially trafficked prunes refuses to call them that. Because prunes just aren't cool. "Dried plums," conversely are all the rage on the street and have been the subject of songs by "hip (non-replaced variety)" artists such as:

On days when ma poop just come out half-way, I eat dried plums - 50 Cent
Party in the Prune S. A. - Miley Cyrus (released in Europe as "Party in the Poo S.A.)
Granny's Prunehdise - Coolio
Electric Laxativation - A Tribe Called Quest
Prune Boy - Rihanna

Regardless of the musical merit of the aforementioned artists, prunes fit damned well on a spoon. Furthermore, there's a way to make prunes even more spoonable: prune butter. You heard me, not bune putter, but prune butter.

The Western intestines inside of you probably just tied themselves into a pretzel (BEWARE: Hard pretzels are NOT a spoonable snack. Soft pretzels are another story...), but prune butter is fairly popular in Eastern Europe, where its called lekvar. Prune butter simply takes all of the deliciously sweet tartness of prunes and breaks them out of their slimy, wrinkled, oldagehome skin. And puts them in a versatile, spoonable paste. Think the perfect compliment to cut the buttery indulgence of a pastry crust. Or the consummate medium to smear all over... well anything... Let your sick, sick, non-Soviet Bloc mind do the imagining.

Lekvar is nature's eat-out-of-the-jar icing, sans trans fats, unnatural pastel color, and grittiness. Yup, an all-natural sugar high you can make in a pot. Or pan. And eat with a spoon. Allow me to ask you the following question:

Why in the spoon not give it a whirl?



Thought so.


MAXIMUM PRUNAGE FOREVER!

FRUIT SOUP

Spoontrivia:

The NASA Mars Rover went to the "red planet" equipped with THIS utensil to sample soil and other substances:

A) FORK
B) KNIFE
C) NAPKIN
D) SPOON


Spoonswer: If you answered A, B, or C, collect your prize by clicking on the small red "X" at the top right-hand corner of your screen. If you answered D, continue reading. (Note, this is the only point in the post where you get to "pick your own ending," and you have just pulled spoonscalibur from the rock as well as slain the dragon).


To spoonerize, even the most advanced technology we send into the icy reaches of space relies on spoons to sample that which is new and exciting. Thus, we should all take a page from the Mars Rover book (not the one where it gets inextricably stuck in the Martian Mud) and try something cool with a spoon - in this case FRUITY and cool.


Just to clarify: Fruit soup is NOT a smoothie. Far from it. It is not served in places where iron is "pumped". It is not served in foam cups by a chain with the word "King" in its name. But it IS usually chilled, always awesome, devilishly delicious, and especially eaten with a spoon.


Fruit soup DOES come in a variety of awesome and tantalizing flavors. Such as "Fresh Summer Berries," "Brandied Peach," "Apple Cider with Cinnamon Dumplings," and "Citrus Gazpacho."
(Salivation courtesy of http://fp.enter.net/~rburk/soups/fruitsoups/fruitsoups.htm).

Similarly, fruit soup is refreshing, wholesome, nutritious, and have I mentioned it's your spoon's best friend? Because it is. And it can be yours too. But only if you didnt answer A, B, or C.


In Spoonclusion:

Fruit Soup, Fruit Soup,
You can eat it with a spoon!
If you tried it with a fork
You'd just be a loon.
Make it, try it,
It's pretty darn good.
You'll be the most bumpin' WASP
In da whole fruity hood.


MAXIMUM SPOONAGE 4EVA!

THINGS THAT COME IN A PIE CRUST, PART I

Once upon a time during the holiday season, an innocent blog author had a nasty run-in with a container of plain-flavored skyr. A weeklong coma and lots of chest hair later, he returned to the world completely unchanged and prepared to post again.

Thus, as a crappy consolation prize for remaining loyal followers in my absence, I present you with a very vague and all-encompassing topic! (Hurray!)(Metal band kicks into SPOONAGE OR DEATH theme)


Grand soliloquies aside, I present you with the following symposium of spoonery:



Friends, Americans, Spoonwielders, Lend me your plates!



Due to the fact that just about anything can be thrown into some cockamamie crust or another, I have made the executive decision to delicately separate (with spoon not scalpel) this broad topic into two distinct posts. One savory. One sweet. BOTH SPOONTASTIC!

To start with the main course and work our way to dessert, hairs will be split (again, with a razor sharp spoon) into two more categories: Pie fillings with eggs in them and pie fillings without eggs in them.

Pie Fillings With Eggs in Them:

Quiche. Yes, its French, but its about as in-your-face as the French can get while still being deliciously delightful (snails take it too far). In fact, what better way to use a spoon than to delicately divide a bite-sized bit of piping hot quiche with the perfect proportion of crust:filling and deliver it unto your watering mouth all in one fell swoop of efficacy? Thought so. In fact, the reason the French resistance began to operate during the Second World War was that Nazi officials in Paris demanded to be served quiche with a fork and knife. And sausage with sauerkraut. Even the French would not stand for that.


Pie Fillings With No Eggs in Them:

Things that are not quiche: Shepard's pie. Pot Pie. Tamale Pie. So many eggless fillings. So little time. And but one utensil with which to properly consume them. Outrageous? I think not. More like utterly utilitarian. (Many spoonfuls of kudos to the first person who can copy and paste the wiki of who that many is in the comments of this blog)


SO, IN SPOONCLUSION: Maximum Cuiller Sans Cesse y Vive La Quiche!

SKYR

Deep in the hellish depths of a "gourmet" supermarket, aloft above the fires on a refrigerated shelf, floats the spoonfood of the Norse gods. Skyr. Skwhat? Yes, skyr (skeer). Not to be confused with a skewer, the antithesis of spoon, skyr is a creamy cheese (arguably yogurt) of scandanavian origin that comes in a variety of all-natural fruity flavors. It also happens to be fat-free, very low in sugar, and super high in protein. Which is the exact opposite of the crappy store brand yogurt you're probably defacing a spoon with at this very moment.

So why isn't skyr just a yuppy version of yogurt? For one, it was invented by Vikings. Everybody knows that anything ever touched by a Viking causes violent twitching and sudden death to everything that is young, urban, or professional. Similarly, skyr is produced in extremely limited quantities, mostly in Iceland.

So then, how do you know that I'm not making all this spoonrific stuff up about the most-awesomely named Nordic spoonmat (spoonfood in Icelandic)? Well, this very afternoon, inspired by the conquests of Eric and Asvuld, two companions and I set out on a spoonquest of our own. The brand of Skyr we sampled, Siggi's, is dedicated to raping and pillaging all that is artificial, sugary, and non-spoonable. Hellz yea (Nordic spelling). Siggi's also comes in gaman bragðtegundir (Icelandic for SPOONTASTIC flavors), like COLD STEEL SPOON OF DEATH, and THOR's SPOON. And also grapefruit, acai, and vanilla. My comrades sampled passionfruit and pomegranate (one awesome flavor of yuppy doom), as well as blueberry, whilst I tried Orange and Ginger (another single flavor of minivan death).


Here, spoons in hand, we set off on our quest for blood, gold, and SKYR!




TO DRAMATIC MUSIC: IN SPOONCLUSION The first spoonful of skyr to enter my mouth was interesting. The second was Valhalla. And it just got more spoontastic from there. Skyr is a boatfull of smelly Norsemen better than it sounds (a questionable cheese/yogurt with a long history of kicking butt). Plus, when it comes in flavors that actually taste good (without any darn chemicals and just pure pillage), why the spoon would you not try it?



!hámark spoonage eilífu!

Note: This spoonmat is approved by Jason Dougherty, World Minister of Awesome.

PANCAKES

Preamble: This post does not in any way indicate that this blog has any bias for or against breakfast foods. Pancakes are an anytime food. As are Puffins. And Refried beans. And soy pudding(s).

Pancakes: The anytime food. Before the deluge of digital tomatoes commences, I should explain that this blog was conceived in a dark dank dormitory at an early hour of the morning whilst consuming a serving of pancakes. With A SPOON. Thus, pancakes are responsible for everything we know and love that is life, liberty, and spoonable. Just think about it, anywhere you can get pancakes you can get a heady dose of America and also a spoon. Your kitchen for example. Or the stronghold of American pancakedom: IHOP.

Now, the weak at heart (and Un-American) might ask, "Well, can't pancakes be eaten with a fork and a knife?". To this dirty red I would respond as follows: Just try eating pancakes with a spoon. How does it make you feel? Alive? Free? Happy? Coincidentally, guess which three principles our great nation was founded upon. And now you don't even have to pursue that happiness. It's right there on your plate. (And spoon). To break it down mathematically for all of the deaf people out there:

Pancakes + Spoon = America - Pursuit

Or

Pursuit + Spoon + Pancakes = America



IN SPOONCLUSION: Since the pursuit of pancakes with a spoon is America, and America is ultimate. Pancakes are an ultimate SPOONFOOD! (Outro to "American, F**k Yea")

MAXIMUM SPOONAGE FOREVER (Death to Crepes!)

PEANUT BUTTER PUFFINS

Fratercula Arctica, otherwise known as the Atlantic Puffin. This flightless bird is cute, cuddly, and can swim like the dickens. Transform it into a spoonlicious peanut-buttery crunchtastic cereal and what do you get? Just about as close to enlightenment as possible without fasting until your spine is visible through your stomach (No offense to Buddha, but he didn't believe in spoons).

PB Puffs, as this cereal is commonly referred to in the street trade, are utterly addictive. And for good reason! Each spoonful contains the exact desireable amount of peanut butter, crunch, and aquatic fowl. Rumour has it that the CIA once dropped cases of Peanut Butter Puffins into Cuba in an attempt to destabilize the regime. Unfortunately for democracy, the secret police intercepted each case and delivered it to Castro's residence. Little did they know how truly nutritious and delicious Puffins could be....

Regime change aside, Puffins also come in other flavors.... like air and dirt. But hey, not everyone can be so perfect. Stick with peanut butter flavor and you will be happy, successful, and popular (in bed... hehe). Also, some portion of the profits made by Puffins, Inc. goes toward the effort to save puffin habitat. So you don't have to feel guilty when you toss the packaging back into the salty depths from whence it came.

IN SPOONCLUSION Your lucky numbers are: 2,5, and 69.


MAXIMUM SPOONAGE FOREVER!

REFRIED BEANS

Much like chocolate soy pudding, the nourishment pictured above looks like feces, tastes like happy, and is UTTERLY SPOONABLE. Contrary to popular belief (spoonenfreude if you will), refried beans are actually fried once if at all.

The native cuchillador (spoon-wielder) may refer to this common burrito, enchillada, or tortilla filling as "frijolles refritos"; However, this still sheds no light on why we call these deliciously prepared legumes "refried". Other than that we do. O well...

IN SPOONCLUSION: While refried beans may be the worst-named and worst-looking canned food in history (second to only spam....), they are one of the best tasting. As well as the most SPOONTASTIC. Despite the nasty name, they are also pretty darn nutritious (actually low in fat). And can be spooned into or onto just about anything...


MAXIMUM SPOONAGE FOREVER!







SPOONLER ALERT! (While "frijolles refritos" was mistranslated into "refried beans", it can be more accurately translated as "well-fried beans" (think well as in well-done steak not well-water). Courtesy of the interwebs.